Pot Pie Express
Hot Pockets (Nestlé - 2003)
The mere fact that I maintain a website that posts longform reviews of frozen foods shouldn’t have me trying to figure out other reasons why my parents might be disappointed in me. Nonetheless, I always wonder if they feel like failures for never experiencing the absolute most crucial moment in raising a teenage boy: finding his porn and then mercilessly shaming him. See, even from an early age I realized I wasn’t really turned on by the sort of woman who’d take off her clothes for direct payment, for the same reason I never indulged in that time-honored teenage past time of whippets: the high couldn’t possibly match the one I get off the most pointless forms of elitism. But really, the biggest problem is that I imagine that your dad actively searches under your mattress or inside your TV (via “A Grand Don’t Come For Free”) or wherever your older brother’s Hustler is best concealed because that allows the easiest conceivable segue to having the birds and bees talk whose ancillary purpose is to promote abstinence via planting the image in your brain of your parents having sex. So how did mine go down? Shit, all I can say is that I know for a fact that it actually happened, and I thankfully cannot remember a single detail about it other than that I just held on for dear life, sorta blacked out and once it was over, slinked away, thanking God I never had to go through that again. Not coincidentally, that’s exactly how losing my virginity felt like.